dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
