matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
