i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
