God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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