I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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