I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
