I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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