I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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