Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
