i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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