to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
