my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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