i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
