It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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