I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
