he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
