Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
