I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
