I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
