All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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