I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
