Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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