I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
