that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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