My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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