absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
sarcasm needs its own font
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
