Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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