i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
