I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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