Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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