Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
