Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
