I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
