drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
