Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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