Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
