how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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