end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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