Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
