I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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