I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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