having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
