while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
