If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
