i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Less talking, more tequila
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
