It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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