Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
