Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need moral support for this bender
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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