we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
