i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
